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The Truth About NonCustodial Parents: An Interview with Rebekah Spicuglia // Co-Parenting 101
The Truth About NonCustodial Parents: An Interview with Rebekah Spicuglia
On her blog, NonCustodial Parent Community, Rebekah Spicuglia captions the above picture of her and her son: “This is what ‘visitation’ looks like.”
Think you know what “noncustodial” really means? Think again, and check out our interview with a woman whom MSN calls a “Mom Inspired to Change History”…
One of your goals in creating NCP Community is to raise awareness about the issues noncustodial parents face. What are some of the key issues?
Noncustodial parents face many of the same challengesthat custodial parents face. We want to instill our values in our children, ensure they are doing their homework and studying for that big test tomorrow, treating others with respect . But it is much harder to do when you aren’t in the same house as your children.
Parental disagreements are common, and a noncustodial parent can often feel helpless in decisions ranging from whether or not a child should have a cell phone to medical care. But once you get past divorce and mediation issues and settle into everyday life, it’s engaging our children’s teachers, maintaining regular communication with our children, and arranging visitation that are the big issues. Visitation in particular can be very difficult – there is scheduling with the custodial parent, figuring out childcare, trying to arrange playdates when you may not have much of a parenting community to speak of, and trying to make those visits really meaningful for our relationship with our children.
Yet, despite our best efforts and loving intentions,noncustodial parents often feel shut out from our children’s day-to-day life, academic progress, and major decisions. In extreme cases, there might even be concern about child’s well-being, even child abuse, in the custodial parent’s home. Societal misconceptions about what “noncustodial” means can wrongly limit a parent’s access to their children’s education/medical records, and parents often do not have access to legal resources or even understand their parental rights. This can be discouraging for a parent who is truly striving to do the best s/he can.
What are some common misconceptions about noncustodial parents?
One of the biggest issues noncustodial parents face is a lack of understanding generally in society aboutwhat “noncustodial” means. This leads to a great deal of frustration when dealing with authorities, and we regularly find ourselves explaining legalities to people to defend our right to be involved, our right-to-parent.
Just to clarify, there are two kinds of child custody, legal and physical, and there are varied combinations, which can even include a noncustodial parent sharing joint legal AND physical custody. I do not have physical custody, but I share joint legal custody with my son’s father, which gives me full parental authority under the law. But someone has to move out of the house, right? Every divorce naturally creates custodial and noncustodial parents, but the stereotypes of the deadbeat dad/disappearing mom leave a stigma that noncustodial parents are irresponsible or don’t want their children, or worse – that they are dangerous and should be viewed with suspicion. I have written about this many times on my sit, two examples here andhere. In fact, the majority of noncustodial parents are law-abiding citizens and loving parents who want to be involved as much as possible in our children’s lives.
Recently on your blog, you posted a Globe and Mail article about “parental alienation syndrome”. The article noted: “Court proceedings are not conducive to peacemaking; they tend to increase acrimony between parents, which is bad for children. Many non-custodial parents simply walk away from an impossible situation, devastated to lose contact with their children, but consoled to know that their children’s exposure to a toxic tug-of-war is over.” What support is available to parents in these situations? What resources can they find at NCP Community or elsewhere?
What I loved about that article was the focus on the best interests of the child, which often gets lost in discussions of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Sadly, many of us have seen how a parent might bad-mouth or poisoning a child against the other parent. Whether or not people agree on the definition of “parental alienation” or that PAS exists as a “syndrome,” few people would disagree that the problem exists. Even if both parents have legal custody, the custodial parent is in a position of greater power than the noncustodial parent. It is much easier to interfere with visitation as the custodial parent – it is unfortunate that withholding visitation is a tactic often used, but when was the last time you saw an amber alert for “child abducted by custodial parent”?
Ideally, parents should be able to find ways to work together to prevent or manage these negative situations by bringing in mediators or planning ahead and building in very specific parenting plans into their custody agreements to prevent disputes. However, if the situation is very bad, legal counsel may be needed. NCP Community is a place for sharing strategies and solutions that will help everyone work together for the best interests of our children.
What are some of the unique challenges for co-parents who live a far distance from their children? What are some ways they “stay close” when they don’t live close by?
There are many reasons a parent might live far away from his/her child – living near family, finding work, or to start a new life – and while it is hard, families can make it work. In fact it has become easier to keep in touch long-distance, withvisitation via skype and flying our kids unaccompanied to visit us.
Most importantly, no matter the distance, children should be able to continue the same quality of relationship with each parent that they enjoyed prior to the separation. Here are some suggestions for noncustodial parents:
Regular phone calls, scheduled & unscheduled, helps keep the lines of communication open and ensure that you are kept in the loop of your chidren’s lives.In conversation, asking specific questions shows that you care and are paying attention, and I find that those are easier questions for children to answer (“how did you do on your test?” vs “how was school today?”)Be creative in your communications and demonstration of your love. Text messages, emails, cards, care packages… Keep a stack of cute cards at the ready to send. Buy things that remind our children how special they are (magnets, pictures, ID-sized notes to fit into a wallet).Communicate with the custodial parent. Again, the more specific the questions, the better. The custodial parent is a goldmine of information about your child and main decision-maker in your child’s life, so open communication should always be a priority.Don’t be discouraged.Keep trying, and try not to place the burden of your frustration onto your children. Remember that despite the challenges you face, you are ultimately responsible for your involvement in your children’s lives.
You’ve noted the growing voice of noncustodial mothers, including Karen Murphy in her Motherhood from Afar column at LiteraryMama. What are some special concerns that noncustodial moms face that noncustodial dads do not (or do to a lesser degree)?
Society can be harsh towards moms who don’t fit a traditional mold. The assumption that mothers will retain custody of their children after a divorce is so strong that if she does not take custody, her fitness or attachment to her child comes into question in a way that it does not for men. People wonder if she had her children taken away from her, or maybe she just didn’t want her kids. These are assumptions that often have no basis in reality. It may come down to which parent has more resources to offer the children, or which parent has the better lawyer.
What’s most important is that custody arrangements are made in the best interests of the children, and although a child might reside with one parent, that should not reflect badly on the noncustodial mom or dad. At the end of the day,noncustodial moms and dads have more in common than not– we are just trying to stay involved in our children’s lives in meaningful ways.
The Truth About NonCustodial Parents: An Interview with Rebekah Spicuglia // Co-Parenting 101.
Divorce: The Impact on our Children
The Impact on our Children
Inter-spousal violence perpetrated by men is only a small aspect of family violence. False abuse allegations are only a small tile in the mosaic of vilifying the men in our society. They serve well in successful attempts to remove fathers from the lives of our children. Here are some statistics resulting from that which show more of the whole picture.
79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full time.10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full time.7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly.24.5% of single custodial fathers work more that 44 hours weekly.46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance.20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance.
[Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 – U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services – Office of Income Security Policy]
40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the fathers visitation to punish their ex-spouse.
[“Frequency of Visitation” by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry]
50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his children.
[“Surviving the Breakup” by Joan Berlin Kelly]
90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay the support due.79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay the support due.44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay the support due.37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation.66% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to the inability to pay.
[1988 Census “Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series” P-60, No. 173 p.6-7, and “U.S. General Accounting Office Report” GAO/HRD-92-39FS January 1992]
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
[U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
[Center for Disease Control]
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
[Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p. 403-26]
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
[National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
[U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
[Fulton County Georgia Jail Populations and Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992]
Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do not live with their fathers.
[US News and World Report, February 27, 1995, p.39]
There are:
11,268,000 total custodial mothers2,907,000 total custodial fathers
[Current Populations Reports, US Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991]
What does this mean?Children from fatherless homes are:
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),24.3 times more likely to run away,15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,10.8 times more likely to commit rape,6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.
(The calculation of the relative risks shown in the preceding list is based on 27% of children being in the care of single mothers.)
and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children who are in the care of single mothers are:
33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and
73 times more likely to be killed.
[“Marriage: The Safest Place for Women and Children“, by Patrick F. Fagan and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D. Backgrounder #1535.]
COMMON SENSE & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, #3.
Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting
Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting are harmful to children’s emotional and mental health.
What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting?
http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp
Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together.
Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian – grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form.
In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse’s life, their ex-spouse’s parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.
High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is considered by many health care and legal experts unhealthy, anti-social, abusive behaviour which is emotionally damaging and contrary interest of a child. Simply stated, it is dysfunctional parenting, emotional child abuse parent who is the target of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, a form of discrimination.
Beal Bill in California to try and ban Parental Alienation Syndrome: Parental Alienation (Canada)
Friday, July 3, 2009
Beal Bill in California to try and ban Parental Alienation Syndrome
An email I sent to Beall through his website on July 5/09. This is the main header on his web page. Here you get a look at a man who appears to suck up to all things victim feminist, doesn’t understand the dynamics or effects of Parental Alienation and is an incipient child abuser. Californians in his district
take note. You have an elected representative that cares not about children but about protecting victim feminist mythology.
To representative Beall: I have watched with interest Beall’s support of the abuse of children by wanting to craft a bill that gets rid of PAS in CA courts. Fortunately it did not work but the toughening up of false allegations is a good thing because that is what many so called protective parents do. How many dads are in these PP association do you think? Are they allowed in when they are the sole custodial parent.
Beall’s bravado as shown on this web site is as misplaced as his original bill. PAS already passes the Frye test for science in USA courts and the Mohan test for science in Canadian courts. It will be interesting to see how it plays out once a case is brought forward.
One thing is a certain. Beall is very misguided and NOW amongst other feminist organizations seem to have him in their back pocket. I remain incredulous that some Americans would elect and allow to stand in office a man who would work against the best interest of children and by doing so allow them to be emotionally abused. I shake my head in wonder. Does Beall not know Parental Alienation is performed by both genders or does he just work for one.
Mike Murphy
Check the ongoing discussion in California herehttp://parentalalienationcanada.blogspot.com/2009/06/family-law-makeover-california.html or here on the original Sacramento newspaper comment site with the same content.http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/content?oid=1020581
This legislation is quite different than the misguided State Representative Beall started with. Given PAS already has passed the Frye test in USA case law it will be interesting to see how it will proceed in court actions. False accusers should take note. If you are found out the penalties are steep. There is far too much focus on the term Syndrome that has gotten the Victim Feminists hair in a knot. Any parent, male or female, who seeks the loyalty and involvement of a child in a custody fight is an unfit parent. That is not science, heck it isn’t even rocket science, but it is common sense. MJM
california political news & opinion
Read. Create. Discuss.
california legislation > ab 612
AB 612
Custody and visitation: nonscientific theories.
Parental Alienation (Canada): Beal Bill in California to try and ban Parental Alienation Syndrome.
What we need is a fatherhood revolution: Parental Alienation (Canada)
Monday, June 29, 2009
What we need is a fatherhood revolution
It is nice to see more positive discussions on fatherhood. The Victim Feminist mantra that we are all bad and abusers is slowly being suffused with the benefits of paternity for children and that patriarchy is not completely without merit. I don’t mean the kind of patriarchy that suppresses anyone rather the kind that offers protection to those in need like our children. There is room for the equality women seek and the strengths dads have to offer in a family of parental equals. Have you ever noticed there is only a one non-vowel letter difference in the words matriarchy and patriarchy. Perhaps we can call a family of parental equals a natriarchy – the “n” standing for neutral. All 3 words start with a consonant.MJM
Warwick Marsh | Saturday, 20 June 2009
The times they are a-changing. Being a dad is becoming cool.
Father’s Day 2009 is being celebrated with a renewed sense of vigour and excitement. Fathers and children are appearing in more advertisements. The media are running father-friendly stories. Restaurants are booked out for Father’s Day as well as Mother’s Day.
When the Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation was formed in 2002 to help and encourage Australian dads, our television community service advertisements were initially threatened with a black ban by the Advertising Standards Board. Political correctness ruled the day and fathers were incorrect. This would not happen today. Fatherhood has become sexy, a newspaper here said recently. A quick squiz at pop culture supports this optimistic statement.
Take the 2003 film Finding Nemo. That was a story about a father fish looking for his son. Amazingly, it is well inside the top 20 grossing movies of all time. Just a bit further down that list are other popular movies with positive fatherhood themes: I am Sam, Dear Frankie, The Incredibles, Night at the Museum, Pursuit of Happyness, and the brilliant Australian movie with Eric Bana, Romulus My Father. Even Snoop Dogg is cashing in on the fatherhood revival with his Father Hood TV show.
Last night, with my wife, I watched Swing Vote, Kevin Costner’s popular film about a no-hoper dad whose vote determines an entire presidential election. Interestingly, the plot revolves around a single father and his daughter and treats him with a great deal of respect. This story could never have screened 20 years ago. Fatherhood is coming in from the cold — and not before time.
Here in Australia, songwriterColin George put together a compilation CD calledFatherhood which features some of our best artists such as Paul Kelly, Shane Howard,Neil Murray and John Butler. They sing about their children, fatherhood and families. This album has morphed into an annual Fatherhood Festival in the surfing town of Byron Bay, which is better known for hardcore punk, drugs and yoga festivals. The home of Australian counterculture has become the home of fatherhood. The idea of a Fatherhood Festival has spread to several other cities in Australia. Similar events are happening in the US. “Family First” is the name of a minor political party in Australia, but the idea putting your family first is catching on. Just like the 60s counterculture, it could be the beginning of a revolution.
The renovation of fatherhood and the renewal of masculinity have been heralded by writers like Ed Cole, author of Maximised Manhood; Gordon Dalby,Healing the Masculine Soul;Robert Bly, Iron John; and Warren Farrell, Father and Child Reunion and even by feminist authors such as Adrienne Burgess,Fatherhood Reclaimed and Susan Falundi, Stiffed. Australian author Steve Biddulph has been a trailblazer for the Australian fatherhood and men’s movement for many years. His books sell very smartly overseas as well.
The Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation believes that fatherlessness is a major contributor to the problems our children face. A leading expert, Dr Bruce Robinson, says that fatherlessness costs Australia A$13 billion a year. Similar estimates on the cost of fatherlessness in America by the National Fatherhood Initiative are well over US$100 billion per year. Fatherlessness increases the likelihood that children will grow up in poverty, increased crime, drug abuse, youth suicide, child sexual abuse, mental health problems, high levels of child obesity, poor health, poor nutrition and lower levels of educational performance for children. In spite of what radical feminists may say about the ills of patriarchy, involved and loving fathers are essential for the development of healthy children and strong families.
Last year Matthew Hayden, one of Australia’s most famous cricketers, was pleased to go in to bat for Aussie dads and their children. He starred in our community service advertisements around Australia as the epitome of the renewal of Australian fatherhood. I asked Matthew how he felt when he had his first child and how he now feels as a father of three children.
There’s nothing that replaces the moment of joy in your life when you have children. As a male I think you actually go through a bit of a chest beating stage. It’s like, “Gees, I’ve produced this beautiful baby, I’m a man.” It actually physically does change you as well because suddenly it’s not just your wife and you. It’s a very unselfish thing, you’ve now got this beautiful little individual and life, that you have to care and nurture and you become very selfless and that’s a difficult time in your life, but look, whatever you put into life, you get back ten-fold. With our three beautiful children, it’s just amazing how they give back to you in such simple but such rewarding ways. I wouldn’t change one damn thing.
Hayden’s passion for his family is inspirational and it is men like him, all across Australia, America and around the world, who are arresting the harmful effects of fatherlessness by their love and commitment to their families. We need a fatherhood revolution which will create involved, committed and responsible fathers. Everyone benefits. A fatherhood revolution will bring support and joy to hardworking mothers and will help children lead exceptional lives.
Warwick Marsh and his wife Alison are the founders of Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation. They have five children and have been married for 33 years.
http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/what_we_need_is_a_fatherhood_revolution/
// 
Posted by Michael J. Murphyat Monday, June 29, 2009
Parental Alienation (Canada): What we need is a fatherhood revolution.
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